


HUMANS EXCHANGE ACT 2020

by Yolo_Queen



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: F/M, Female Protagonist, Reader-Insert, Romantic Comedy, Sexual Tension, Social Issues, i'm so sorry there's so many tags i want to die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25547911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yolo_Queen/pseuds/Yolo_Queen
Summary: The purpose of this Act is to facilitate the exchanges between humans and all creatures alike, as well as develop a further understanding of their society and culture.Currently being written and amended by self-appointed Chief Justice [Name] [Last Name].*A cynical recount of a human's experience in Devildom.
Relationships: Asmodeus (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader, Asmodeus/Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Beelzebub (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader, Beelzebub/Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Belphegor (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader, Belphegor/Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Diavolo (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader, Diavolo/Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Leviathan (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader, Leviathan/Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Lucifer (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader, Lucifer/Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Main Character/Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Main Character/Satan (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader, Satan (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader
Comments: 13
Kudos: 103





	1. Female Anatomy

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'm horny for Mammon and CJ is short for Chief Justice.
> 
> (Chief Justices do not write law nor should they provide their own personal input while writing it but our cynical protagonist is the only one capable of writing this informal document)

_Section 1. Subsection 2. Paragraph 4.  
[LAST NAME], CJ.  
“All men are idiots.”_

You briefly wondered what sort of sick, misogynistic, sexist _piece of shit,_ decided to come up with female circumcision, or, its more _accurate_ term, female genital mutilation.

Relax, you weren’t circumcised. . . but for real—what kind of _asshole_ thought brutally invading a woman’s genitals and ripping shit out would be a good idea? And if they did it in the name of religion?

Asshole _cubed._

As if God’s interested in the repulsive ways women’s genitalia can be tortured. If there’s one thing you’d like to ask Him though, other than why he gave some humans the innate ability to have self-control and not others (Bufo Egg Milk Tea is addictive, your wallet has been crying and you can’t even afford the fucking tissues to wipe the tears away)—is why he gave the female species the burden that is a period. Whoever the idiot was that thought genital mutilation might, ‘purify’ women, is a dumbass because all they had to do was get rid of periods but thanks for creating an immoral practice that just tortures them with absolutely no benefits, you sexist piece of nuclear trash.

At the present moment on a despicable Monday morning (because bad things always happen on Monday mornings), your internal reproduction organs were in fact going through, _some sort,_ of mutilation because you were producing enough blood to fuel a massacre and unfortunately, an armistice would not be in order until a passing of five days. Six, if your uterus was in a particularly pissy mood.

Much like your wallet, your bathroom cabinet was void of hopeful prospects and promising solutions. You groaned. What were you expecting? Your roommates were the seven(?) rulers of Devildom (technically you and Lucifer were the only ones aware of the hidden seventh roommate but you doubt he’d ask Lucifer to deliver pads alongside his food). They were demonic recreations that embodied the very concept of Hell. That, and they were also goddamn men who definitely don’t need pads because they don’t have a uterus. This is a problem.

As you stuffed your underwear with toilet paper, secretly cursing men for not suffering enough, you carefully considered your options. You’ve only been in Devildom for one month, the people you could rely on were limited. Your best bet would be to ask those you’ve made a pact with since Lucifer, Asmodeus and Satan all seem to find your tribulations entertaining. Should you ask one of them if there was a store in Devildom that sold pads? Do demons even _need_ pads? What if they just magicked their period away?

Do demons even _get_ periods?

You mulled over these questions as if you were ruminating the same principles of philosophy that Aristotle once did. Unfortunately, you weren’t reaping any positive results nor any reassurance as you felt the toilet paper wriggle out of place quite easily, leaving you very anxious. Looking up from your deep thoughts, you saw none other than _The_ Great Mammon, conspicuously examining some object like a kid who stole the hidden candy from the top of the fridge and was now celebrating in their spoils from war. The image brought a natural smile to your lips—something that you found happening quite often when you were around the Avatar of Greed (but don’t tell him that, his ego might explode).

“Mammon~!” you sang gleefully, secretly taking delight in hearing the little squeak that erupted from him as he desperately held whatever it was he ~~stole~~ had behind his back, grinning a crooked smile, more guilty than a murderer still covered in their victim’s blood.

“I-I-I didn’t do nothin’!” he quickly stammered in anticipation and you snickered.

“Relax my dude, I’m not here to snitch,” you respond, bemused.

Mammon let out a comically loud sigh of relief before huffing. “Well, what is it [Name]? The Great Mammon’s busy ya know.”

You hummed, playing along as you feigned a look of distress. “There’s something that’s been bothering me, I was hoping you could help me since, you know, you seem like the guy that knows everything there is to know around here.”

Opening one eye, you tried to stop the smirk that was forming to see Mammon turn an endearing pink, _preening,_ at your praise and attention as he grinned triumphantly. You imagined that if he had a tail it would be wagging. “Well ‘course I am! The Great Mammon is all wise and powerful! So, what’s on your mind?” he asked, genuinely curious.

You pursed your lips. You were genuinely curious too. What _should_ you ask? Whatever happens, you don’t want to end up in a situation of explaining what periods are, **no matter what**. You grimaced at how you should frame the question. The last thing you wanted was for Mammon to pass out from thinking too hard.

“Are you sexually active?”

Much better, now you just sound like you’re into doctor roleplay. Too bad you never went to med school because Mammon looked like he was _absolutely_ about to pass out. With how red his face was, you were certain that all the blood in his body had rushed into his head and he may very well die from some sort of loss of blood circulation. You can die from that right?

“Wh-wh-what the heck!? What sort of q-question is that!? Wh-why do ya wanna know?!” he spluttered slash half _screamed_ at you, ducking his head so you couldn’t see his eyes… although that made the red flush on his cheeks clash with the snow of his hair. Maybe it was some sort of symbolism on purity defiled by lust. Or maybe it was just a slap to the face since what were you really expecting when asking Mammon, the bonafide tsundere of Devildom?

You rubbed your neck, sighing. You were certain that in spite of Mammon’s rather endearing antics when around you, surely he would have indulged in _some_ sexual endeavours. As the Avatar of Greed, he has to have _everything_ of course.

You chewed your lip and decided to reframe the question.

“Have you ever gotten anyone pregnant before?”

Mammon proceeded to choke on his spit and nearly die from asphyxiation. Whatever he had to say, you didn’t get to hear it because his next flurry of words were incoherent variations of: “WHY DO YA WANNA KNOW!?” and “WHAT KIND OF WEIRD PERVY HUMAN ARE YA!?”

In other words, you’ve reached a dead end with Mammon and you became acutely aware that you were in need of a toilet paper change.

While you were sitting on the toilet, you looked up ‘pads’ on your D.D.D (and sincerely hoped Diavolo wasn’t secretly tracking your search history because that would be mortifying and might reveal something mildly incriminating on your part) and you internally slapped yourself for not doing this in the first place. Your search was fruitless, only producing paw pads and while you appreciated and naturally by extension, gushed endlessly at that really fucking cute German terrier, it unfortunately could not quell the wrath of your uterus. At least you know demons don’t wear pads.

After your revelatory toilet trip, you were finally at breakfast although eating proved to be a very hard task when you could _feel_ that toilet paper getting filled way too quickly and were in desperate need of help. Mammon refused to look at you throughout the duration of breakfast, turning a rosy red whenever he made eye contact and although you wanted to tease him for it, you were simply too preoccupied and antsy.

“Lucifer, is it okay if I talk to you after breakfast for a bit?” you announced suddenly because fuck tact, you needed your needs addressed _now_ and everyone (with the exception of Beelzebub who kept eating with gusto, bless him) looked at you as if you had just gutted a pig on the table—these metaphors are getting more and more bloody but it adds consistency to the theme of your angry uterus.

Asmodeus was the first one to break the silence with a simpering smile. “Oh~? [Name] wants to see Lucifer _alone_ does she? How bold!” he tittered to himself and you resisted the urge to strangle him because the fucker would definitely enjoy it.

“I must say,” Satan joins in because _of course he does,_ and with that damn smile too, “this _is_ rather curious indeed.”

You sighed, gripping the table’s leg from your corner and for a moment, you wondered if you would spontaneously snap it alongside Satan’s neck. “No need for commentary, I just need to discuss some _human stuff,_ with him.”

Leviathan muttered, “More like normie stuff, lol” under his breath and your lips upturned into a taut smile. You swear you’re usually more tolerant but ever since you were literally _kidnapped_ and _coerced_ into joining this exchange program for an entirely different species, let’s say you’ve become a bit of a cynic.

Lucifer narrowed his eyes at you as if you had just failed the end of year exams and for his information, he is an _asshole_ that can suck on your A+ papers. Still, you kept your cool, let yourself be scrutinised like a rabid test subject gone feral before he put on that usual devious smile.

“Very well, after all the exchange program is about familiarising ourselves with our neighbours. Whatever ‘human stuff’, you have to say I’d be more than happy to listen to.” He didn’t use quotation marks around ‘human stuff,’ but you could definitely _hear_ it, if that infuriating smile was anything to go by. “We plan to accommodate you to the best of our ability after all.”

Lucifer always spoke with eloquence and poise, the type that demands attention and holds authority in each syllable, as if he were speaking in rhythmic iambic metres that lull you in and ensnare you in a treacherous hold. AKA, the snobby kid from rich boy schools that wore fancy blazers and at _least_ 8 different pins on their chest. The type of opponent that you despised and were all the more determined to squash with your shoe in debating. Still, you held your tongue and placidly sat in discomfort as you slowly waited for everyone else to finish breakfast and leave.

When the two of you were finally alone at the dining table, you slowly rose, wincing at the stomach pains starting to kick in, something that did not go unnoticed by Lucifer as you grimaced. Should you tell him the truth right now? Or should you make up an excuse first and—dammit. You could see Mammon’s white fluff of hair from the corner of your eye. Well, time to put your bullshitting debating skills to work then.

“I need to go to the human world, I’m getting stomach pains and I’d like to go to a drugstore to get something for them.” Nice and direct, hopefully he’ll bite the bait.

Lucifer watched you with a calculated and measured gaze. “That won’t be necessary,” he started before rising to his feet before walking ominously towards you, the heel of his polished shoes clacking. Ordinarily you would do the same but less walking meant less of a chance of blood spilling onto something that wasn’t toilet paper. “I’m sure we can provide you with the medicine that you need for stomach pain relief, I am acquaintances with some witches who are well versed in herbal remedies that I can affirm are quite effective.”

Lucifer spoke lowly before he was right in front of you, looming over your smaller human stature. Trying to intimidate you was he? You stood up straighter and held his gaze with equal determination. “I’m _sure_ their remedies are effective but the composition of human and demon bodies are inherently different. I might have something serious that these witches might not have encountered before. Thus, they might not have a suitable countermeasure for human illnesses. After all, you haven’t had any other humans come here right?”

Lucifer’s lip twitched at your defiance but he would not back down, he smiled something that was slick as oil. “That may be, but they are very capable. Not all demon compositions are the same after all, they are very knowledgeable and well informed of _all_ species, I’m certain that they will be more reliable than your human doctors which I hear are often prone to human error.” This time, his mesmerising ruby eyes glowed ominously, it demanded: _‘Enough of your nonsense. Submit.’_

Now in debating, you’re not supposed to get personal and because of your good sportsmanship, you always stood by that.

However, blood had already been spilled on the battlefield and was about to spill onto the floor if you didn’t hurry this exchange up so to hell with etiquette.

You slammed your hand down on the dining table, surprising Lucifer enough so that his luminous crimson eyes lost their shine as you scowled something fierce. “Alright, enough of this. If you don’t take me to a goddamn drugstore down in the human world, I’m throwing blood on this floor and trust me when I say it’s going to be much darker than your lovely red carpet.” You gesticulated in annoyance, not giving Lucifer time to register his disgust as a wry smile fell on your lips. “You’ll then have the very difficult task of explaining to Diavolo why the human is throwing a bitch fit because she wasn’t provided with the necessities to live comfortably in _your_ mansion. This is no longer a request.”

With an indomitable resolve that would make hardened mothers and six headed beasts cry, you stared Lucifer down with the foulest lour you could muster.

“Take me to the human world. **NOW**.”

Your voice seemed to echo in the halls of the House of Lamentation, you wondered if the spirits that may have cursed the place were moaning in fear. You fucking hope so. Lucifer’s shock morphed into anger, he seemed indignant for a moment before he settled on livid silence. You saw hellfire in his eyes, you could almost feel his heated gaze scorching you. Unfortunately for him, playing with hellfire is much preferred to going without pads for a week so you puffed your chest out, steeling yourself and held your ground.

After beats of silence, Lucifer quietly sighed and you had to stop the triumphant cheer that wanted to erupt from your chest and holler into his face. “Very well,” he relented through gritted teeth as he offered a tight smile. “We’ll leave after RAD, we’ll be late at this rate so let’s--”

“Didn’t you hear me? We’re leaving _now_.”

Lucifer’s eye twitched and he could almost feel his nails becoming claws that might rip through his gloves but before he had the chance to release his fury, you had already scampered off, mentioning something about the toilet. Lucifer sighed again, rubbing his temples. It seemed that this human had a lot more of an obvious bite than Solomon. Although he appreciated your bravery, he simply can’t have people disobeying him. Still, he supposed it was his responsibility to maintain your health… which he had apparently failed to do.

He felt his body burn in shame at the idea of failing a task allocated by Diavolo. A painful wince drawn by needles ripped across his face. You hadn’t even been here for a month and he had already messed up? What could have possibly given you a stomach ache so severe that blood was involved? That you were adamant could only be fixed by human medication? He had checked your dietary requirements so surely the food in Devildom wasn’t the issue. What if you had been exposed to something dangerous? A curse? No human medicine would be able to cure that.

While Lucifer was steadily coming up with theories that seemed to only conclude in death, he didn’t notice a white tuft of hair slinking away from the shadows.

* * *

Mammon slammed his hands down on the table.

“[Name] is pregnant.”

Both Beelzebub and Leviathan looked up but after a brief moment, Beelzebub just returned to his rather delectable sandwich that Mammon couldn’t help eyeing himself. Meanwhile, Leviathan was sulking, sinking deeper and deeper into the chair that his back was almost completely parallel to the seat. Rather than focusing on the very important catastrophe that Mammon had brought their attention to, Leviathan was instead lamenting and subsequently mourning over the loss of a raid that would have earned him double experience had the online RAD learning system not crashed.

He channelled this disdain into his favourite conductor for disaster, grumbling, “Mammon, you’re being stupid again, can you not? I’m too pissed off about missing my raid to get involved in your convoluted schemes.” Leviathan rolled his eyes at whatever squawking Mammon was doing. Quite frankly, Mammon was thoroughly appalled by the lack of reaction of this world shattering news he had graciously told them!

“It ain’t convoluted, we’ve got a serious situation here Levi!” Mammon aggressively slammed his fist onto the desk, trying not to focus on how it actually stung a little before frowning at the two of them. “I heard it from Lucifer and [Name]’s conversation in the mornin’! She said she’s getting stomach pains and mentioned something about blood!”

Before Mammon could continue his line of thought, Beelzebub burped loudly, licking his lips in delight as he smiled lethargically. “Maybe she just had too much eat.”

Mammon scoffed in disgust, holding his hand over his nose at the stench while Leviathan cringed, sliding deeper into the seat until his was almost under the table. “No you dummy! Didn’t you hear what I just said about the blood!? Also you need breath mints or somethin’ I’m about to pass out!” Mammon said as he tried to wave off the odour with a vigorous hand but Beelzebub only shrugged as he pulled out his fourth lunch.

Mammon grimaced, unable to believe that none of them were taking this seriously and he made sure to announce it too. “I can’t believe you guys! It’s not just the stomach pains, [Name] asked me before breakfast if I-I,” Mammon trailed off as he recalled the morning with embarrassment, looking away as he felt his neck crawl with heat, earning a curious quirk of the brow from Leviathan as he timidly continued, “Sh-she asked me if I had sex or ever got another demon pregnant before.”

After what felt like a million years of silence, Mammon cringed, snarling at his two brothers, “Well say something you--!”

His words got caught in his throat and felt anger course through him to see Leviathan’s look of severe revulsion. The Avatar of Envy looked very well like he was about to gag on his own toe and barf up acidic bile. Beelzebub stared sadly at his spider eggs and goose meat sandwich. He looked like he had just witnessed a child being murdered in front of his eyes.

“I… I’ve lost my appetite.”

Mammon and Leviathan stared at him in horror. Things could get ugly, if something wasn’t done soon the Avatar of Gluttony may very well start Armageddon and throw the world into chaos. After the longest three seconds in history, Beelzebub beamed cheerily again (and everlasting peace was subsequently restored to the universe, the power this man holds). “Ah! It’s back!” – cue loud munching. Both Mammon and Leviathan let out a sigh of relief that neither of them realised they were holding.

Leviathan then shook his head before eyeing Mammon as if he were a cockroach on the sidewalk. The natural reaction was to shiver violently at the thought before scowling. “Mammon, could you not share your perverted fantasies with us?” he growled, earning another squawk from him.

“I’m not making it up! Seriously, we’ve made pacts with her! It’s our responsibility to find the bastard that got her pregnant and kill him! Destroy him! Break his legs so badly that he can never walk again!” Mammon started ranting furiously, his ways of torturing the said ‘bastard’ becoming more and more violent. Leviathan looked on, unimpressed although he himself couldn’t help a hint of jealously bubbling within him. Still, it would be much more fun to point out Mammon’s instead but before he could—

The closet door slammed open and Asmodeus emerged like a butterfly from a cocoon whose mission in life was to fuel the hellfire that would consume the world into flames and burn it to ashes. He smiled. Leviathan and Mammon screamed. Beelzebub choked on his delicious sandwich.

“[Name] got impregnated? Seriously!? Awww, I wanted to be the first to do it with a human~!”

None of them had the heart to ask why Asmodeus was in the closet, nor who the poor sucker that was probably tied up, bound and ravished to near death on the other side was. They pretended not to hear the muffled cries or rattling from the closet door that Asmodeus had locked (no one thought to ask why he had the keys because who _else_ would have keys to the storeroom closet?) and Mammon bitterly concluded after abruptly adjourning the meeting that he hated everyone in Devildom.

.

.

Except… maybe you, but don’t tell anyone that!

(also he is _absolutely_ planning on killing the fucker that got you pregnant when he finds them)

* * *

You never thought you’d be so happy to see Priceline again. You missed their clusterfuck of nail polishes just sitting out in the open. Maybe you should consider getting some since it would seem that everyone in the House of Lamentation had their nails painted except you and you hated feeling left out.

Long story short, Lucifer took you to some fancy portal that only a few select individuals can access (him included of course) due to a certain demon’s problematic shenanigans that only resulted in disaster whenever they visited the human world (Mammon… _of course)._

Lucifer had taken you to your local shopping centre, expecting you to visit the GP but nearly had a heart attack to see you stride in through the automatic doors instead as he briskly followed you inside.

“Where are you going? I thought you had a serious illness, should it not be diagnosed by a human doctor?” Lucifer asked, surprised by your fast pace as you entered a store. You looked behind you with narrowed eyes, as if he were an insect. Like an earwig. Lucifer resisted the urge to obliterate Diavolo’s exchange program into shambles.

“Listen Lucifer,” you started before waving your hand dismissively at him and Lucifer entertained the thought of biting it off. Alas, his pride would never let him stoop so low. “Just trust me on this, now get a basket.” Lucifer felt his nostrils flare. No one orders _him_ around. In spite of this rage, it was temporarily buried under his confusion.

“A basket? Aren’t we just here for medicine?” he asked although you didn’t bother listening, searching through the aisles before strutting down one and Lucifer had to stop the red from flooding his vision. How dare a mere human ignore _him,_ he was the most powerful demon right next to Diavolo in Devildom. The absolute _gall_ you had--!

Completely unaware of the impending danger that you had placed yourself in, you took a purple pack, examining it with relief. “Aight, I need nights, this is a ten pack. I go through maybe two a month so times twelve… Okay I need three of these--” you say, taking another two from the shelf and just as you were about to dump them into a basket, you stopped, seeing no basket to dump them into. Instead, you saw a livid Lucifer who looked ready to start World War III. You blinked. Then you frowned in disappointment. That expression of his could barely contain his own anger, there’s no way it was going to hold any pads. You glanced behind him but to no avail.

“Where’s the basket? You had one job. God, men are useless.” You sighed, shaking your head as if you were scolding a child. You swore you could hear lightning strike. “Well whatever, you’re my new basket. Hold these!” you admonished him before thrusting the packets into his arms and he started sputtering but you ignored it, musing to yourself as you perused through the shelves.

“Oooh, I need daytime ones too, these are twelve packs and I go through about five per month so, I’ll need five of these! Ah, I need some thin ones too, this is a fifteen pack… alrighty then, I’ll get two of these!”

Lucifer could barely keep up with your ramblings and calculations as you shoved more of these strange packets into his arms. At last, he’s finally had it as he angrily planted his foot into the ground and may have accidentally released some of his power with that step because his coat flared out from behind him. He tried to ignore the fact it looked like he was throwing a tantrum. You grimaced to see his eyes go a bright crimson red and you just hoped nobody was around.

“Enough of this. You demanded to be taken to the human world so you could receive manmade medicine. You have not done that, nor have you seen a general practitioner. You haven’t listened to a single thing I’ve said, nor have you explained anything that you’re doing. Instead, you’ve just dragged me along to this garishly coloured store and started thrusting,” Lucifer paused in the middle of his rant to inspect one of the packets you had given him although he wasn’t coming up with any apt words to describe them, “Whatever _this_ is.”

You coaxingly threw your hands up in surrender, if not slightly miffed by his outburst, only fuelling his anger more. He did not need to be cajoled like a _child,_ what he needed was an _explanation._

You felt yourself become even more tired but for the sake of keeping your head, you tried not to let your annoyance leak into your voice but there was a very probable chance of 98% that you failed on that account. “Alright, alright, relax, don’t make a scene yeah? You’re lucky there’s no one around on a Monday morning.” Lucifer scrunched his nose, wanting to retaliate but you instead plucked the night pads he had been holding and officially descended into the black hole of hell.

“Okay, _this.”_ You violently jabbed at the picture of the packet while maintaining scathing eye contact with Lucifer. “Is a pad, which, goes on my underwear. Pads are then used for my uterus, when it bleeds every month.”

For a moment, all you could hear was the fans swaying in a lazy pace above the two of you, otherwise, it was complete silence. The next second, Lucifer entire body jolted and you could almost hear glass shattering.

“You have a chronic illness? An ongoing wound? Why would you withhold such information? There wasn’t anything in your medical records--”

As endearing as it was to see the Avatar of Pride be lost in a sporadic frenzy of ramblings and perplexities, your very unreliable toilet paper was filling fast.

“Stop, stop, stop,” you say as you throw up your hands, abruptly putting a halt to his string of worries as he looked at you incredulously. You sighed and you could almost feel your period push out a bit more with it. Dammit. You looked up at Lucifer before taking another quick glance around. “Technically, it _was_ on my medical records.”

Lucifer frowned, clearly ready to interject and rebuke the comment before you smiled wryly. “It was right next to _sex_ with a nice big tick when I was identified as a female from birth.” You blinked innocently. Lucifer wanted to choke something for constantly being kept in the dark. So, you continued because outside of the bedroom, choking is not sexy. “Every month, I’m punished for apparently not fulfilling my life’s purpose to procreate via sexual penetration of a penis.”

Your tone was slick with scorching hot lava, you almost felt your throat burning and your stomach seemed to churn in agreement, offended on your behalf as you felt another tug at your gut. You continued scathingly, “So, all that baby making stuff has an expiry date and it’s gotta go once time’s up. Problem is, it has to leave my body in the most disgusting and uncomfortable way possible… out my uterus.” You watched in amusement to see that even the most dignified demon of Devildom could not resist the twinge of his nose to convey a hint of disgust. You were surprised he hadn’t run out of the store screaming yet. Mammon definitely would have. “It happens once every month for a whole week. This is called a menstrual cycle, or ‘being on your period.’ Keeping up so far?”

You had to bite your lips to see Lucifer swallow uncomfortably, as if he were eating sandpaper before nodding numbly (dumbly? Either one fits). He looked slightly constipated. Maybe he was wondering what it’d be like to have a uterus bleed. Good, people should be more empathetic towards periods.

“Now, I don’t really like having this conversation because it’s mentally exhausting educating men.” You were rubbing your temples, your energy drained from you like sewage because you really did feel like crap at this point. You looked at him bitterly. Lucifer couldn’t help the furrowing of his brows. “However, because _you_ literally **kidnapped** me, not giving me a chance to pack my necessities, I have to. So now, I’m bulk buying because I don’t ever want to come here again. I’d rather stay penniless forever than have this conversation another sss-five times.” You had to catch yourself from saying six because you definitely can’t let Lucifer know that you met Belphegor. However, Lucifer appeared rather uncomfortable and particularly guilt ridden, too preoccupied to notice your blunder as his lips slowly twitched downwards. You could see little wrinkles forming between his brows and if you didn’t know any better, each of his luscious curls loss their buoyancy and drooped a little lower. Shit.

Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride and the strongest demon in Devildom, stood before you, looking like a kicked puppy with his tail timidly tucked between his legs.

“I-I see,” Lucifer stammered. Lucifer _never_ stammers. He guiltily averted his gaze. You felt like the world was ending. He looked back at you, remorseful. “Are there any other symptoms that I should know about?”

You grimaced. He was already beating himself up over it (and if there’s anything you learned from observing Mammon and Lucifer, it was that Lucifer beats _hard),_ you didn’t want to make him feel worse. However, you also knew that he would be more upset by you coddling him so you just lay the cards out on the table.

“Aight, it’s different for everyone but general discomfort and mood swings because who _wouldn’t_ be pissy after sitting in their blood for five days? Uhh, stomach aches, bloating, cramps, can mess with your sleep, general body aches, you can get nauseous or headaches depending on how bad it is and prolonged trips to the toilet,” you listed each thing you could think of, counting them on your fingers as Lucifer listened attentively. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he were a student listening to a lecture and you were the professor. You wondered if he was taking good notes. He better be, you’re not explaining this again. “If that’s all, let’s get a move on, toilet paper is not very absorbent and I need some pain relief tablets and heat packs.”

Finally, you turned around and started walking again. Lucifer mumbled under his breath, “Being human is difficult.” You snorted.

“No, being born with a _uterus_ is difficult, and every implication that follows.”

Lucifer tensed at your biting words but followed you diligently, no longer asking questions which you were thankful for, although a tad worried about. Having Lucifer be so silent behind you was kind of like having a lion stop roaring and go quiet. This could only lead to two possible conclusions. Either Lucifer is dead or he is about to make you his next meal. Supposedly humans tasted like pork but you’re not very good at self-maintenance so you’d probably just give him a stomach ache. You swiftly picked up a packet of tablets and headed to the heat packs before the oppressive silence was finally broken.

“We can supply you with heat packs, there’s no need for you to buy them.”

Lucifer seemed a little more composed than before although his lovely locks were still drooping. You raised a sharp brow and lashed your tongue out before you had the thought to rein it in, “Lucifer this heat pack is going straight onto my gut. I don’t exactly feel like sharing.” You winced at the jagged tone that came out harsher than expected. You’ve been bleeding onto a toilet paper for at least two hours, getting more and more anxious about the state of your underwear since you’re 90% sure you’ve leaked through them so can he blame you for being snippy? Still, you only really felt the sting after you saw Lucifer look chagrined as he cleared his throat.

“I-I mean,” shit, he stammered again, “I’ll provide you with a special heat pack. I took a look at your human ones and they’re quite inefficient. Heat is a well valued resource in Devildom and we often sustain it through the means of magic. I’m sure you’ll find it satisfactory concerning your needs,” he clarified stiffly and formally. You blinked up at him, a gnawing guilt jabbing your stomach. Lucifer’s expression began to shift under your gaze but before he could say anything else, you beamed at him.

“Sounds good! Well, I don’t need anything else so let’s go to the counter!”

You skipped past him and Lucifer let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding before obediently following you, still carrying your pads. He had noticed a few people in the store giving him strange looks but he promptly ignored them, the heels of his shoes clacked with each pronounced step as he approached the counter. You greeted the cashier amicably, gesturing him to place down the packets. He noticed the lady on the other side give him a surprised look but once again, he paid no heed.

You, on the other hand, appeared alarmed as you laughed nervously. “Ahh, I’m going on a yearlong trip, out of the country! I’m bulk buying now so I won’t have to face the language barrier when it comes to, _these sort of things,_ you know what I mean?” you explained it with such a natural expression as you eased into the conversation, Lucifer was both impressed yet unnerved by your innate ability to lie, as if it were easier than breathing. Still, he admired your cheerful countenance, it was as if you had emerged from a blistering storm and he watched how you seemed to melt under the clinical lights that cast a golden hue on you.

“Ahh, don’t worry, I gotcha. How exciting, I wish I could get away!” the lady from the counter seemed to sing back. Lucifer briefly wondered what she had to be so cheerful about in a drugstore. “Would you like a bag with that?”

“Yes please,” you answered back, already reaching for your wallet.

“Alright, that will be--”

You looked up just as you brought out your human credit card (which ironically had more money than your Devildom one), wondering why she had stopped midway until you saw Lucifer gingerly holding his own card between his index and middle finger with poise. The lady at the counter must have thought the apocalypse started because she looked ready to bolt, anything to get away from his piercing ruby gaze.

“I’m sorry, are you planning on using these too? Honey I don’t think they’re quite your size and I don’t particularly like sharing.” Lucifer bristled as he glowered down at you from the corner of his eye but you deadpanned in return, “why are you paying?”

After insisting the cashier take it, Lucifer sighed as he turned to you with a penitent expression. “[Name], we took you away unexpectedly and it was as you said, had you been given the adequate time to pack, you would have come prepared. We--” Lucifer choked on his words, as he grimaced, physically pained as he near grumbled (but most definitely _didn’t_ grumble because he is Pride and he always spoke with dignity thank you very much), “ _I,_ should have been better informed concerning your needs. Had it not been for my carelessness, it would have saved you from much discomfort. I’m sorry, paying is the least that I can do in compensation.”

For a moment, you stood there, and the world turned white.

Lucifer had ducked his head, unable to meet your eyes. It was, surreal. The scariest person you had ever met suddenly looked fragile, almost vulnerable. It shouldn’t move you so much. You shouldn’t feel your eyes burn a little or the burst of warmth that sent shivers down your spine. Yet, you felt them all anyway. Like a feather on translucent glass, you gently combed your fingers through his hair. Lucifer immediately stiffened and stared at you as if you were crazy. You think you might be. So you smiled.

“What are you looking so down for? It’s not as if it’s a pre-requisite for you to know these things. Still, the fact that you took the time to listen, learn, understand and even feel _bad about it,_ makes me much happier than I’d like to admit. Thank you, for all you’ve done, you were a big help today.”

You gave his hair a few more pets, memorising how his soft strands tickled your fingers, mesmerised by the sensation of how _really well maintained hair_ felt like (you wish you could relate) before you (reluctantly) withdrew your hand. Even though his hair was now dishevelled from your interference, it seemed to shine brighter, no longer droopy. And then you stopped breathing.

There, high on Lucifer’s cheeks, was the softest shade of pink that reminded you of cherry blossoms.

Lucifer had really beautiful skin and you envied it callously, enough to rival Leviathan for his position. You heard how Lucifer was the most beautiful angel back in the Celestial Realm, how he was the very embodiment purity. How cascades of light would spiral around him, gravitating towards his ethereal presence. He was mesmerising, he seemed to draw all eyes towards him. He was alluring, like the Forbidden Fruit that would seduce spectators from afar, he was temptation and every implication that followed. He was transcendent. He was grace.

Well technically, he _fell_ from grace but it’s hard to even consider that when he was so beautiful. Besides, if falling from grace was trading in your church clothes to a Victorian Era goth you can’t say that you weren’t a little turned on. You loved men in formal clothing after all. If you had to think of a modern day counterpart, you’d think of Snow White. His skin really was as white as snow, yet it didn’t feel nearly as cold. No, Lucifer was always burning bright. His hair might have been as dark as ebony and with eyes that were as red as blood, he seemed too whimsical, magically incongruous to your plain world.

You found yourself enraptured.

Lucifer who had been caught under your rather enthralled gaze, swallowed thickly as the blush riding high on his cheeks deepened from a soft baby pink to a scarlet rose. He bashfully pulled at his collar and for once, was at a loss for words.

“You’re staring,” he noted as if it weren’t obvious.

“I can’t help it, you’re captivating,” you say as if it _were_ obvious and Lucifer colours prettily at your words. You think you might have a stroke.

After a moment you felt yourself turn red with embarrassment as you quickly turned to the counter lady whose eyes had glazed over and was clearly holding herself back from gushing over the most dramatic soap opera spectacle that just played out in front of her because of fucking _periods._ “I-I’m so sorry you had to see that, uh,” you fumbled over your words, any evidence of your elegance had been promptly destroyed and all that was left at the crime scene was a bumbling fool. Lucifer felt oddly endeared. “This guy and a couple of his friends just decided to whisk me away for a yearlong ride, haha, he’s a bit stuck up,” you managed out and resisted the urge to snicker at the sharp scowl Lucifer threw your way as your lips pulled into a sunny smile. “But I like the way he dresses and how understanding he is.”

Lucifer blinked curiously before he looked away again, harrumphing as he hoped to hide the heat prickling at his ears.

“No, no, no, it’s quite alright, really!” the cashier gushed as she put the packets into a bag now eagerly enthused and energised upon returning Lucifer’s card (who grabbed it wordlessly, still a little embarrassed about how shamelessly they were acting). She beamed at you and you imagined her being the lonely type who latched on to any conversation that she could have the chance to be in. You decided that you liked her. “You have a lovely boyfriend, it’s not every day I see someone being so earnest about this kind of thing! Gosh, I just get tired when I think about my boyfriend, he actually thought the pad goes on the,” she paused to gesticulate to the lower regions and Lucifer was about to protest to being referred to as your boyfriend but he was interrupted as you burst out laughing, grabbing his arm for support in the process.

If Lucifer had to be honest, you were definitely being improper and too rambunctious as you were both getting curious stares from the other patrons. But, if he had to be, _brutally honest,_ he didn’t particularly care because your laughter had brought vivacity into this garish store. Even if it was obnoxious, Lucifer decided that it wasn’t necessarily a _bad_ sound.

You wheezed as you finally let go of Lucifer’s arm, the cashier lady giggling with you as you shook your head. “Oh my god, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. God, men are idiots.”

The lady held out your bag but before you could reach it, Lucifer had snatched it away with spite, now thoroughly unamused as his face went stone cold. You openly gaped at him as the lady bit her lip. “Well, not _all_ of them.” She smiled knowingly.

You glanced at her and with a soft laugh, you concurred. “You’re absolutely right.”

Lucifer rose a brow but you had already thanked the cashier lady as you dragged him along by the arm, positively buoyant as a little bounce was added to each reinvigorated step. Lucifer let you pull him along by like a ragdoll and although the image of being treated as such initially repulses him, for some reason when it came to you, at least for this little outing and considering your current circumstances, he would let it go.

He had noted something else which was far more important. Talking about these, ‘periods’, seem to be somewhat taboo, particularly in front of men as he recalled how the two of you referred to it as a ‘kind of thing’. Furthermore, he determined that from all the odd looks he received, it would seem that not only are men expected to not be well versed in this topic, but they supposedly refuse to engage with it entirely. Lucifer couldn’t help but feel a sense of discomfort at the idea of you being so grateful of him simply _acknowledging_ your predicament. He made a mental note to inform Diavolo of these rather disappointing findings later.

“I’m your boyfriend now, am I?” he deadpanned. He’ll think about the report later, first of all he has to actually get you to stop pulling him around.

You shrugged playfully. “How else is she supposed to have interpreted ‘took you away’ hmm? If it’s a yearlong trip, you’re either my kidnapper or my boyfriend.” Lucifer rolled his eyes but you could see a hint of a smile crawling to his lips. Good, he seems to be in a much better mood than before. A mischievous grin took over and Lucifer saw it _much_ too frequently on his own brothers’ faces when they intended to torment him in some way.

“Hey Lucifer, I’m kind of craving human food, is it okay if we get dumplings?” you asked with a childish glint in your eye. Lucifer was bitterly aware and immune to such tactics considering he’s already looking after six man children.

“No. We have food at home.” Ah, typical parent response.

You hummed and Lucifer thought it sounded rather ominous. “Hmm, I know you’re a sadist but do you really like seeing me be in pain? You do know how much comfort food can bring… don’t you?” you trailed off, coyly twirling a strand of hair that Lucifer want to cut off. He rolled his eyes and sighed. From the corner of his eye he saw your lip twitch upward.

“Fine, lead the waaaay--!” Lucifer nearly yelled as he lurched forward when you suddenly linked arms with him once more and briskly started walking, chattering excitedly.

“Yes~! You’re the best Lucifer! I know a really good place that I always went to with my friends, plus they have a toilet which I really need. Ooh, can we also get bubble tea while we’re at it and oh my god, I’m lowkey craving a mcflurry and--”

Lucifer listened to you ramble on about different foods or general things you used to do with your friends at the shopping centre. You had disrespected him, confounded him, scolded him, thanked him and were now using him for your own benefit. You had guts, he’ll give you that. You were a wild card, a hurricane that destroyed everything in your path, although it was never with unbridled rage but tactical blows. You were dangerous and cunning. Still, Lucifer found it too hard to admit, his pride would simply not allow it, but he was _a little,_ charmed by you. You showed vigour and wit. You were challenging yet introspective. Cynical but kind. Although Lucifer had not been thrilled with the prospect of taking you under his care, he couldn’t help the bubble of interest that coiled around him whenever you were around.

It would appear the exchange student was something similar to a crashing meteorite.

Although you’ve made a mess, he can’t help but admire the sporadic and fiery beauty you held.

* * *

By the time you had returned to the House of Lamentation with a pad now uncomfortably seated between your legs as it should have been all along, you were surprised to be met with absolute chaos the moment you stepped through the doors.

**“[NAME]!”**

Lucifer promptly sidestepped as he watched Mammon rugby tackle you into an iron clutch as he shook you violently. “TELL ME WHO THE BASTARD WAS THAT GOT YA PREGNANT?! I’LL KILL ‘EM!”

You shuddered to suddenly feel Beelzebub sniffing your neck on your left side. “You smell good, like dumplings. Did you get some without me?” he whispered ominously into your ear. You felt like this was a red flag and your death was fast approaching.

“Geez!” Leviathan moaned as he latched onto your right arm with a furious expression. “You went to the human world without telling me?! Don’t you know that Ruri-chan’s seasonal figurine is out right now!? I have so much merch that I needed you to get, how could you do this to me--”

You frantically looked for Lucifer, hoping he could get you out of this life-threatening situation but your heart sunk and crashed harder than the Titanic. In true snobby, Harvard fashion, Lucifer smirked insidiously as his eyes did that scary half-lidded thing it does when he’s threatening someone before he threw his nose into the air and sashayed off with your bag of necessities still held captive in his clutch. You wanted to say Lucifer is the ugliest piece of shit that you’ve ever seen, but that would be an even bigger lie than Jack and Rose’s love. And where did their love get them anyway? Dead.

You decided to revise every positive thing that you thought about Lucifer in your time together and you came to a succinct assessment of his character.

He’s an asshole.

_Section 1. Subsection 2. Paragraph 4._   
_[LAST NAME], CJ._   
_“Maybe not **all** men idiots... It’s just that some men, are fucking, **assholes**.”_

**AMENDED.**


	2. Ballroom Politics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A particularly political dance with Diavolo that makes you question just how altruistic he really is.

_Section 2. Subsection 5. Paragraph 3.  
[LAST NAME], CJ.  
“Don’t dance with Lucifer.”_

Where did we leave off last time? Oh yeah, that’s right.

**_Lucifer’s a fucking asshole._ **

****

He was the Avatar of Pride so really, what were you expecting?

You stumbled to the buffet table as if you were drunk, even though you checked and you most definitely weren’t seeing as the pretty pink punch that Diavolo had sparkling on the table had 0% effect on humans. You couldn’t even drink away the stress of nearly meeting death or being _threatened_ with it by the literal embodiments of hell that could devour you alive if they so wished.

_Just, super._

Exhausted from your rather emotionally stressful dance with Lucifer and your magically electrocuting one with Solomon (you seriously couldn’t figure out what his deal was and you were beginning to assume he might be a sociopath), you let out an extended sigh as you drank in the sight of all the food sprawled on the clothed table. On closer inspection, you noted the intricate silver linings that patterned the cloth, leaving you appreciative of the décor as well as all the chinaware. The beautifully imprinted ceramics dotted with gold leaves and cursory lines, the scintillating transparent glasses full of blood red demonic alcohol (that you can’t even get drunk off, but at least it tastes good, a bit like Moscato) in culmination with the mouth-watering food made for an enticing sight.

You turned to your right and saw Beelzebub ravenously _inhaling_ a skewer of exotic looking meats. It was almost terrifying in a way, how he carried four skewers in each hand, throwing his head back and shoving two of them so deep into his throat at the same time (the skewers were metallic too!), you wondered how it didn’t puncture a tube. Yet, he pulled the skewers out, his lips tightly pressed together, no doubt ensuring there was not a single hint of residue left behind as he had already begun chewing, brandishing the two empty skewers like a wand. As he shoved the next pair into his black hole of a mouth, you briefly considered telling Beelzebub he might have a career as a magician, the kind that can swallow needles or pull out a sword from their throat without butchering their insides.

As you watched him chomp away happily, his cheeks flushed from delight and as full as a chipmunk’s, you found yourself oddly endeared. You couldn’t help but smile.

“Beel~!” you sung in a particular musical tone that you reserved for your favourite niece, your aunt’s dog and now Beelzebub.

“Hm?” he hummed nonchalantly back and blinked curiously at you as you skipped up to him, his cheeks rounded and full. You quickly clasped a hand over your mouth to stop yourself from gushing.

_‘You are literally so fucking adorable, how fucking dare you?’_ You thought silently to yourself as Beelzebub offered you a big smile, swallowing his food as his entire countenance seem to be illuminated by the stars to see you. You bite your lip, smiling. “Beel, you’re so cute,” you settled on saying, deciding to relay but tone down your internal thoughts as he blinked in surprise.

You had to prevent a squeal erring to crescendo at the way Beelzebub bashfully lowered his head, an endearing cerise bloomed to his cheeks that reminded you of peaches and tulips. “Ah, you think so?” he asked timidly but couldn’t help a laugh when you vigorously nodded your head without shame. His smile was blinding as he took a quick glance at what you were wearing. “You look pretty [Name].”

You laughed nervously, feeling yourself get warm all over as you consciously pushed your hair behind your ear. “Aha, no, no, no, no, I wasn’t fishing or anything! Really, I just put on whatever Lucifer told me to wear.” You flushed lightly as you fanned your face and Beelzebub just grinned at your reaction. You didn’t want to say anything but it felt good to receive the compliment since it was the first one of the night. Everyone else seemed too preoccupied with the fact that you were human above all else.

Your dress was both elegant and intricate which you supposed said something about Lucifer’s tastes. Although the base colour of it was a bold red, one of velvet rose, it was patterned with black lace over the top, the dress being shorter at the front before getting longer at the back that it only just feathered the floor. It was shoulder-less, the lacy short sleeves added something that you supposed should be dignified but what you thought was particularly overkill. It was a lovely design but you secretly had to spite Lucifer for giving you a matching colour scheme as him. You wondered if this was his way of subtly telling you the monopoly he has over your circumstances. Quite frankly, it had left a bitter taste in your mouth.

Yet, when you returned to look at Beelzebub who had complimented you with such sincerity and gentleness, you found the off-taste becoming as sweet as cotton candy that filled your cheeks with honey. Clearing your throat, you gently linked an arm with Beelzebub, grinning at him cheekily.

“Alright, enough about me, help me out Beel! I have no idea what half of these are but they all look so good! Tell me your favourites, hit me with recommendations, everything!” you gushed excitedly as you looked out onto the buffet table with all the delicious looking foods and you could feel the Avatar of Gluttony truly buzzing with joy.

_Literally._

“Ahh~ I wish Barbatos would live with us, his food always tastes so good. But, if you want to start off, I definitely recommend the shadow swan pie or some of the reptilian fried legs. If you want something on the lighter side, the silver serpent sandwiches are good oh and--”

You really did try hard to nod and follow along with what Beelzebub was saying but you also couldn’t help but get distracted by the fly wings attached to his back that spasmed and buzzed noisily and were _seriously_ creeping you the fuck out.

“You’re not allergic to anything like that, are you?” Beelzebub turned to you with a concerned gaze and you snapped your head up and shook your head vigorously, hoping the enthusiasm would cover up the fact that you didn’t get to listen to half the things he said because of his wings going off like a chainsaw in your ear.

“Nope!” you chimed, popping the ‘p’ as Beelzebub nodded triumphantly, giving you a plate and essentially leaving you to your own devices as he went back to devouring his skewers. You glanced his half of the table which now looked comically barren in contrast to the half you were on.

You tentatively grabbed the tip of a reptilian leg, examining it closely like a chem experiment as you contemplated eating it. You really did love food although you weren’t going to lie, Devildom’s cuisine was… definitely more _adventurous_ than anything you’ve eaten back on Earth. Throwing the crispy leg into your mouth, you were pleasantly surprised by the burst of flavour and the satisfying crunch that reminded you of popcorn chicken but _bougie._ It tasted like fucking bougie popcorn chicken and that’s _hot_.

Now eating with more gusto than a buffalo that made Beelzebub swell with pride, you eagerly began to devour your side of the table, completely ignoring any stares or whispers that charged the air before you felt a breath by your ear.

“You’re certainly enjoying yourself. **I’m glad**.”

Spluttering, you flung yourself back, tripping over your own heels as Beelzebub caught you effortlessly with one arm tucked under your back while the other was shovelling some sort of meat bun into his mouth. You clutched at Beelzebub’s frame desperately as you pulled yourself up, offering the foulest lour you could muster at the perpetrator that just cut your life’s span down by thirty years (and interrupted your damn eating time!) before seeing Diavolo’s surprised expression morph into something akin to amusement that left you burning.

No literally, you felt like you were about to have a fucking stroke.

You blushed bright red before you angrily grabbed a glass and poured the fairy pink liquid inside before taking a swig and swallowing it down all at once which was hopefully cool enough to bring down your temperature. Gasping as you poured yourself another glass, you offered Diavolo an embarrassed side eye and weak glare. “For my dignity and faint heart, don’t sneak up on me please. I already have to be on my toes in case I encounter hungry demons, I don’t need you to accidentally send me into cardiac arrest thanks.”

His reaction was immediate as his brows furrowed in panic before entering your personal space as he leaned in close to your face. “Humans can get cardiac arrest from shock!?”

You felt yourself flush deeper as you tried to inch back and put your glass of punch in between you, hoping it would create some illusion of distance as you swallowed it down again. You really needed to be drunk to handle a guy like Diavolo. Stupid demonic alcohol. Still, you found this burly large man oddly adorable in how playfully charismatic he was so maybe you just have weird taste. “Uh, relax, I was just exaggerating,” you say carefully as you watched him sigh in relief before letting out a boisterous laugh. You didn’t have the heart to tell him that you in fact _can_ get cardiac arrest from shock if you were old enough. To do that would inflict you with the same guilt of telling a child that Santa Claus doesn’t exist and you definitely don’t want to find out what the Prince of Devildom was like when heartbroken.

“That’s good to hear!” Diavolo boomed rather loudly and suddenly you realised why everyone had been looking your way. You nodded timidly, shirking up a smile to be under his smouldering gaze as he grinned. “How are you finding the party? Feeling welcomed? Integrated?”

You had to refrain from snorting at the ‘welcomed’ part since Lucifer had literally just threatened to kill you ten minutes ago but you decided not to reveal that part and opted for a nonchalant shrug. “The food is nice, the company is, _nice enough_ and everything is lavish so what’s there not to like?” You idly played with the glass in your hand as Diavolo golden eyes seemed to flicker for a moment as his expression morphed into something more penitent this time.

“Great! Although Lucifer had told me of some unfortunate news that he stumbled upon in your first month here,” Diavolo lamented with a sigh and you immediately stiffened up before glancing at Beelzebub in panic who was well within auditory range. “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to discuss more of these perio-”

**_“Diavolo would you care for a dance?”_ **

You slammed your glass on the table. Diavolo’s eyes widened. Beelzebub choked on his serpent sandwich. You watched in slight terror as he coughed violently before grabbing the entire punch bowl with his bare hands that easily held three litres of the alcoholic beverage that he began the perilous task of downing in one sitting. Both you and Diavolo watched the spectacle of Beelzebub drinking the entire supply of punch from the rim of the bowl with awe, amusement on his part and abject horror on yours.

Without a single break, the Avatar of Gluttony finished the entire stock as he threw his head back, gasping desperately as if he had been under water for hours. Diavolo only laughed as he turned his head to—

“Barbatos, did you see that? Simply astounding! Would you mind preparing some more?”

You whipped your head to left and there Barbatos was with a placid expression as if he knew this would happen and he bowed. “The Avatar’s of Gluttony’s appetite is always an impressive feat. I will replenish the refreshments right away Lord Diavolo.” With a curt nod, Barbatos strut off as your jaw hit the floor.

**When the hell did Barbatos get here?!**

“[Name]?”

You shook yourself out of your Barbatos-induced stupor as you turned to Diavolo who had that kittenish smile on his lips again as he snickered. “Weren’t you going to take me out to dance?” he inquired sneakily as he extended his hand out to you, suddenly you felt like this was another metaphorical invitation to dance with death. You stared stupidly at the hand before flushing again once realising what you had done. Hesitantly, you took it as he began to lead you to the dancefloor in long strides that had you stumbling to keep up. You helplessly looking back to see if Beelzebub could save you but you frowned to see his deflated expression as he turned back to the buffet table and resumed eating.

“You know, as the person that asked me to dance, don’t you think you should pay me a bit more attention?”

You turned back to Diavolo to see his feigned pouting before returning back to his charming smile as you sheepishly let out a laugh. “Sorry about that, I’m just, kind of awkward,” you murmured although his resounding guffaws oddly left you at ease… until you realised he had you pressed into his bare fucking chest and you could feel the outline of every ab against your small frame. His presence was overwhelming as he held you with a sturdy grip, you felt like you were going to be washed over by a tidal wave. His entire frame seemed to _consume you._ You tried not to flush or just, _outwardly stare,_ but you couldn’t help but admire him.

Diavolo was ornamented with gold and jewels, it reminded you of luxuriant Kings and ancient Pharaohs. The fluffy jet black plumage surrounding his shoulders reminded you of lion’s mane. Even his striking crimson hair made him stand out from the rest. From the beautiful gradient of red to black on his wings, to his mesmerising golden eyes, everything about Diavolo reminded you of an absolute ruler. A leader. Overflowing with charisma and presence, you could feel every single pair of eyes in the vicinity attached to your bodies, piercing you like arrows as you danced across golden ballroom that looked like something out of a fairy tale.

“You’re quite a good dancer, your dress is lovely too,” Diavolo complimented idly and you figured it was his attempt of making conversation. You decided to play along since it would at least distract you from the way your face warmed up at the attention.

“Yeah well, you have Lucifer to thank for that. I’d like to say it was romantic but even my own parents weren’t as strict on me in my studies as he was with _dancing.”_ You let out a lamenting sigh as a joyous laugh escaped from Diavolo. You found out that it was rather easy to make this man smile, although you couldn’t help but wonder how genuine it was.

“Awh, I saw you dancing with Lucifer before and I couldn’t help but get jealous,” Diavolo said with such determination and apple red cheeks, you couldn’t help but be taken aback as he ended up slumping over and pouting at you. “I asked Lucifer to dance with me but he adamantly rejected my offer, saying it was improper before huffing away.”

You blinked. And then you snorted.

Diavolo couldn’t help but beam to see you explode into a boisterous laugh clutching onto him tightly as you swayed together in perfect synchronisation of your rhythmic dance. The onlookers couldn’t help but stare in awe to see a human dancing gracefully and _laughing_ with the Prince of Devildom himself. Anyone would think that the human was being inappropriate or arrogant and yet, it was as clear as the starry skies on a cloudless night that Diavolo was simply enthralled in their dance.

You let out a fading giggle as you shook your head at the image of a flustered Lucifer harrumphing at Diavolo’s advances. You always felt like the two had unresolved sexual tension. You grinned brightly, now in a much lighter mood as you relaxed into Diavolo’s hold. “Awwh, you didn’t really miss much. Lucifer might be a good teacher but he’s a pretty bad partner. He kinda threatened me in the middle of it,” you had said without much thought, not noticing the way Diavolo slowly lost his smile.

_“Is that so?”_

Diavolo’s eyes darkened into something terrifying but you were looking elsewhere, unaware of this murderous shift in tone. “Yeah, but it’s alright. He was upset that I had been forming pacts and snooping about behind his back.” You shrugged nonchalantly as you faced Diavolo again who seemed bright and cheery. You raised a brow, feeling as if you had missed something but your dance partner only chortled.

“Ah yes, I had heard about that. You’ve been quite busy haven’t you? Mammon, Leviathan and Beelzebub I presume?” he asked casually although you couldn’t help but feel like you were being analysed. You smiled.

“Hmm, Lucifer’s quite a good dog, isn’t he?” you sang back, quietly picking up on the flash in Diavolo’s eyes as they became half lidded.

“I prefer friend over a dog but regardless, he’s always reliable,” Diavolo spoke in somewhat of a reverent tone as he eyed you curiously. “Is there a reason why you didn’t want Beelzebub to learn of your period?”

You found yourself wincing at how casually he spoke about it as you pursed your lips. “It’s not particularly a conversation I like having. At least back on Earth, it’s seen as a ‘female problem’ and thus, should be kept to oneself.” Diavolo carefully noted the bitter tone before nodding.

“Fair enough. I’ll be careful not to mention it when others are around.”

You’d much prefer that he wouldn’t mention it at all but decided that this was better than nothing as you glanced up at him curiously. “Now that I’ve answered your question, do you think could answer mine?”

Diavolo beamed and you wondered if the reason why Devildom had no sun is because it was trapped in his eyes. “Of course! I’d be delighted!”

You smiled softly yourself as you spoke carefully. “Why do you want to create relations with humans and angels? I mean, surely it can’t _only_ be for the sake of getting along with your neighbours. I see no reason why for you to get to know them unless you’re anticipating some sort of _war_ or something.”

Diavolo grinned as he felt your eyes bore into him in a withering gaze. How interesting. “Of course not. Devildom has been stagnant for centuries, true progress requires inspiration to spark a flame. Innovation needs a solid foundation and for a while, it feels as if ours has been eroding. I simply wish to bring forth change that would advance our society as a whole. That is part of the joys of learning, no?”

You narrowed your eyes, riddled with suspicion at this seemingly honest man before you. Yet, no matter transparent he made himself appear, you knew he was opaque. His altruistic exterior was but a thin veil and you sought the true expression lying beneath it. Still, his point was charming and his articulation was eloquent.

“I suppose so, learning for the sake of learning is something I love too,” you murmured wistfully as you thought of your old life back on Earth and your first year of university. Your eyes hardened as they trained on his smile that looked more like a mask the longer you stared. “But you’re the Prince of Devildom aren’t you? Do you really have time to just _play around_ with angels and humans?”

_‘Humans are rather perceptive, aren’t they?’_ Diavolo thought with amusement. Although you appeared ordinary on the surface, you were more ambitious than he anticipated. Where you lacked in magic, you made up with cunning. That was something both you and Solomon appeared to share. Diavolo felt like he was being surrounded by snakes. That being said, he felt no need to run nor any threat of being constricted. He smirked.

“Ahh, you say that and yet out everyone, it would appear that _you’re_ having the most fun, are you not? You’re stressing Lucifer out quite a bit you know, at this rate his hair will turn grey,” he simpered cheekily as you blinked in surprise before huffing bashfully.

“Well Devildom’s interesting, of course I’d take advantage of that, it’s not like I’ll be able to come back here once my year’s up anyway,” you murmured softly and Diavolo wasn’t too sure if you were addressing him or not. You glanced up at him again as you did a small spin. He realised that by now you both should have swapped partners but he wasn’t quite ready to let you go just yet. “Anyways, you’re evading so let’s get back on topic.” Diavolo snickered but let you continue. “Let’s say you really do want to get to know humans and angels. Surely angels would be a better and much more reliable asset than humans.”

At that, Diavolo became flummoxed by your implication. “What do you mean?”

You deadpanned. “Come on, don’t play dumb. Surely you know a bit about human history right? British colonisation, slavery, ethnic massacres, wars and all that?” you listed monotonously as Diavolo’s face fell.

“Ah… I was aware of those but that was a long time ago. Surely things have changed now, haven’t they?” he asked and once again, you wondered if you should break it to him. Well, if Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy aren’t real, there’s no sense in keeping him disillusioned about life on Earth either.

“We don’t do those sort of things anymore, but the remnants still linger in our society today.” Your expression was cold and impassive. If he wanted to know about humans so badly, you’ll tell him. “The systems and institutions in our world are built by those in power. Those people that created those systems simply made it with the intention that it would benefit some people more than others. I won’t lie to you Diavolo, if Lucifer and Simeon had committed the same crime, Lucifer would have gotten off on a lighter sentence and Simeon would be in jail.”

You took note of Diavolo’s taut jaw as his luminescent golden eyes became an ashy bronze. His face remained still and betrayed nothing more. And yet, you could almost sense the acrid taste developing in his mouth with the downward quirk of his brows. You continued. “Same thing for women. Just because we don’t have posters about vacuum cleaners replacing housewives anymore, doesn’t mean we’re any less sexist. If I had the same amount of sex as Asmo, the worst he’d be called is a fuck boy. I’d be a whore, hoe, slut, hussy and a bunch of other words that were specifically made to degrade women for being sexually assertive because that’s _dirty_ when for men it’s _empowering.”_

Diavolo had to suppress the urge to stiffen up although he was in fact rigid. He could feel the venom drip from your words as you grip tightened on him. Your manicured nails almost seem to inject the poison into his veins as your spite spilled out like gaseous acid. You glowered at the ground. “People of colour are still more likely to be brutalised by police. Women are still more likely to get raped in the workplace or at night. Marginalised groups have to demand for their rights because people in power would never just _give_ it to them… the **foundations** of _our_ world is literally built on injustice. We steal, destroy and lie. Is that really something you want to include in your vision?”

You were looking straight into his eyes and for a moment, he wavered.

Diavolo was silent for a while as the two of you were dancing long after the song had ended, longer than what was deemed appropriate. Yet, they kept replaying the song for the demon Prince who didn’t want to let go, and a curious human who’s diving into the dark abyss, uncertain if she could ever resurface into the light again. Diavolo’s smile reappeared for what felt like an eternity, although rueful and subdued.

“Injustice exists everywhere [Name]. Our world is full of sin and crime, classism and arbitrary hierarchal powers determined from the strength of your species, an inevitability from birth yet perpetual punishment for the rest of your life.”

For the first time, since the moment you’ve met this man, the expression on his face is one you truly felt to be the most honest thing he could muster. Diavolo looked _tired._ His brows were furrowed with something akin to frustration. He was _burdened_ , his stature seemed smaller and less intimidating.

He looked helpless.

Yet, when Diavolo stared back at you, it was not what you were expecting. Instead of resignation, he had a burning inferno setting his spirit aflame that had you completely enraptured. Your dance, which had become nothing more than a trickled out stroll, became vivacious and torrential as he managed to pick you up in a flourishing sweep. You let out a small squeal, taken aback by his vigour as he smiled at you with such determination that you felt like you were being swallowed whole.

“[Name], from the moment you’ve come here you’ve been turning heads. You’ve been courageous and brave, daring and bold, so why do you hold yourself back? You’ve given up before you’ve tried, you know so much and yet you’re complacent. Why is it that when you’re here, even though you’re small, insignificant and weak, that you’ve actively sought for the impossible? For the unattainable? Something simply beyond your reach as a human?”

Diavolo’s face moved in so close, that you could feel his breath on your lips as his eyes stared at your soul, mockingly from within its cage and his smirk pulled on the invisible leash at your neck.

**“Why do you only act on injustice here, but not in your own world?”**

Your breath hitched and your blood ran cold. You closed your eyes.

“I think we’ve been dancing for too long.”

.

.

.

Just like that, your dance over the ocean waters was separated by a gaping, abyssal chasm with no future or end at the bottom.

You looked away. Diavolo’s face fell.

Slowly, you felt his hand, radiating with heat, gently rest on your lower back. The chains he had wrapped around you became as light as ribbons as he tenderly dipped you. The audience that had been watching applauded loudly. In any other situation, you would have been abashed.

Now you just felt cold.

As you slowly got back up on your feet, bowing lightly before him, you turned to make a run for it but he had grabbed your wrist, his reflexes quick and his instinct honed on your intentions.

“I apologise for overstepping my boundaries. I truly did enjoy talking with you,” he spoke softly with words coated in honey. Yet, you weren’t a mindless fly that was going to get beguiled into his trap. You sighed before turning to him with a measured gaze.

“It’s easy for you to say all that, you’re the Prince of Devildom. I’m just the average citizen in my world. I’ll climb the ladder if I get lucky, I’ll realise just how normal and weak I am, I’ll realise that nothing I try to do will matter, and I’ll just follow the same routine like everyone else. I’m not special. But because I’m different to everyone else here, just for once, I can pretend I am.”

You no longer bothered to look at him in the eye. Diavolo hummed softly. Then, ever so tenderly, he let his vice grip loosen until it held your hand and gave it a squeeze. You looked up, confused.

“Then allow me to thank you, [Name] [Last Name], for being the most un-special person I’ve ever met. You have left me with an everlasting impression that I will never forget, and have taught me more in one conversation than I’ve learnt in hundreds of years.”

Diavolo slowly brought your hand to his lips. With a slight bow, you felt the sensation of feathers electrocute your skin. When he looked up, he offered a small smile. Somehow you knew it was real. You suddenly felt light headed. Maybe you really will go into cardiac arrest.

Diavolo blinked, realising you had clammed up, your cheeks flushed as you brought the back of your hand to your mouth. He stilled. Coughing bashfully, thinking he might have been too forward, he let go of your hand as he felt the tip of his ears get hot.

“S-sorry about that,” he stammered as he tried to laugh it off although it wasn’t with the usual brazenness you were used to. Suddenly he couldn’t look you in the eye. “I’m so used to people walking on eggshells around me, so to have someone talk to me without such restraint, all of this, and you--” he trailed off as he discovered he was rambling, his eyes widened and he coughed into his hand, his cheeks considerably darker under the unforgiving lights that allowed no secrets to be kept from view.

“It was nice,” he affirmed, subdued.

He began to break into a sweat when he didn’t hear you respond but before he could do anything, you broke out into a smile and he briefly wondered if this is what it felt like to bask in _real_ sunshine.

“If you promise not to psychoanalyse me, I might consider hanging out again,” you say with a mischievous lilt and Diavolo gaped at you before he bent over and released a thunderous laugh.

“I’d like that very much, but the same goes for you too you know.” He grinned brilliantly at you as you shrugged sheepishly. Touché.

The both of you offered each other one last smile before leaving in your separate ways. Whether you came out of that dance understanding each other’s motivations more or less, it was hard to say. You realised later that this would have been a perfect opportunity to ask about why you had been chosen for the exchange program and see if Belphegor’s suspicions on you being different were real… but you had already decided that they weren’t. Maybe out of pure curiosity you will find out, but you were content with knowing you weren’t special to begin with.

No, you were going to _make_ yourself special.

You vowed you’ll become stronger, indisputably strong that you could stand on par with all these demons that could wipe you out of existence.

You weren’t going to let _anyone_ push you over. Demons or humans alike.

.

.

.

Or so you thought.

Later that night, you did end up getting a dance with Mammon, but because you had been dancing with Diavolo for at least twenty minutes in stilettos, your legs had turned to jelly with your heels stabbing a knife into your foot with each step you took. When he asked(?) you to dance (it was hard to differentiate it from a demand, request, some roundabout way of having you be the one to ask him or some tsundere amalgamation in between), even though you were dead tired, you felt bad for Lucifer cutting in front of him and decided you’d try your best for him. As a result, while you truly wish you could have revelled in the ravishing sight that was his demon form that made him look like a bondage slave / a kinky stripper (you told him as such and he had a permanent blush for the rest of the night), the dance unfortunately became a rather clumsy chicken walk with you nearly about to topple over from how much your feet hurt and Mammon squawking every time he made a mistake.

You ended up with _very_ bruised feet and a new vow to never dance again.

_Section 2. Subsection 5. Paragraph 3._  
_[LAST NAME], CJ._  
_“Don’t dance with demons (or Solomon, suspicious fucker). **Period**.”_

**AMENDED.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I'm a hoe for daddy diavolo now, sue me
> 
> I know that the game is trying really hard to make Diavolo seem like 'just a nicer boomer' but i swear that no one can be that altruistic, something has to be up, especially with that whole belphie situation
> 
> In any case, you're going to be a fresh uni student here since NONE of those guys could possibly be high schoolers

**Author's Note:**

> Over the past three weeks, I have been obssessed with Obey Me and I thought I'd just share this idea that came to me. I'd like to share even more ideas and I'm not going to lie, i'll probably address a lot of issues here but we'll see since really I'm just here to indulgently write about Mammon (but don't worry because i plan on indulgently writing about all of them).
> 
> Hope you enjoy and comments are appreciated!


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